A Letter To Depression, Anxiety and Fear

In my mind I know that you are my worst enemy, but you're all I've ever known.  I didn't ask for you to be a part of my life; others invited you into my soul.  You have guided my life in so many ways; making my decisions, forming my ideas about the world and myself in it.

You were with me before I even knew you.  You took up residence in a place inside me where only Jesus belongs.  You've taken up His space for too long.

But I don't know how to let go of you.  As I said, you are all that I know.  I have defined myself by you for so many years, and I am afraid to let you go. 

Who will I be without you in my life?  What will I feel?  Can I handle the change?  In the same way that a battered woman stays with her abuser, there's a part of me that wants to stay with you.  I know how to live with you, even though you have threatened to take my life more than once.  You have been my constant companion, my definition.

Do I dare to hope that there is a better life without you?  Do I dare to dream that you will really go away?  Do I dare to say that I really want you to be gone?  Do I dare to believe that I deserve a change?

What if you leave and I am nothing without you?  What if you are all there is to me?

Although the fear I feel about letting you go is illogical...nonsensical...it is time to face that fear.  It is time to say good-bye.

I must insist that you move on...that you allow me to be "me" without you.  You need to pack up your things and give up your space in my soul.  There is a true Lover who wants to take over...who desires all of me.  I cannot give Him that until you leave.

I don't know what life will be like without you, and I'm discouraged to find myself grieving the loss.  But it is time.  It is time for my Lover to fully move in...to unpack all that He has for my soul.

I know you well, and I know that you will try to hold on.  You will not leave quietly.  But my Lover will stand firm at the threshold...He is stronger than I am, and His love for me is greater.  He has already fought and died for me once...I can trust that He will protect me now.

So this is good-bye, farewall, adios.  I ask you to leave for good.  I deserve better, and its time to live in that truth.

Sincerely,
Kim